My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl Quotes

Season 1, Episodes 9-16

Cost Dad The Election

Randy: If dad was mayor, we'd get to wear top hats and sashes and judge beauty contests.
Earl: That's Monopoly, Randy.

Randy: Now don't misunderstand the cookie. We like air travel. We just don't like planes flying over our heads. It's all on the back of the cookie.

Earl: And as handi-capable as one legged Didi was, her no legged boyfriend was handi-capabler.

Randy: Man I wish I had robot legs or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool with, like, a knife finger and a spoon finger and a fork finger and a toothbrush finger and a comb finger and a bottle opener finger and a flashlight finger and a screw driver finger, but regular thumbs. Ya gotta have regular thumbs.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad The Election

White Lie Christmas

Joy: Not everybody is trying to change the world, Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business when our parents kick the bucket.

Patty, the daytime prostitute: That's a lie. I wasn't taking money for sex, I was taking burgers for sex. Curly fries for a diddle and a pickle for a looky. What? It's my Tuesday afternoon special.

Earl: Why the wheelchair?
Connie: I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago, and I just got used to being pushed around.

Earl: We should go on a beer run; are we okay to drive?
Randy: I know a good way to find out. If I can steer that remote control car in the living room without crashing, were ok.
Earl: Randy that’s the cat.
Randy: (squinting at the cat) We shouldn’t drive.

Joy: You know how traditional my parents are. If they found out I got divorced and married a black man, they'd crap in a sock.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: White Lie Christmas

Barn Burner

Randy: I can’t remember with chickens are you supposed to play dead or punch em in the nose.

Catalina: You’re going to a farm?
Earl: Shh I’m not telling Randy, he’s afraid of chickens. And the pope’s big hat but mainly cause he thinks there is a chicken under it.

Earl: Wakey, Wakey, hands off snakey.

Joy: Sorry, sweetheart, I don't speak maid.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Barn Burner

O'Karma, Where Art Thou?

Earl: Maybe Karma's behind this whole thing Randy. I mean the guy finally got what he deserved. Maybe Karma just borrowed my fist to give it to him.

Joy: (talking to Earl) Well, look at you all dressed up in that cute uniform. They even had your size, extra dorky.

Randy: I never understood how Bill is short for William. If anything Bill should be short for Billiam.

Catalina: I had a horrible uncle with a hot wife and a big house, but later we found out that the house and the wife, both had mold in the basement.

Earl: One good thing about the cold is finding things in your coat pockets that you put there a year ago.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: O'Karma, Where Art Thou?

Stole P's Hd Cart

Earl: Hey I typed a real word… Flirp! That’s a word isn’t it?

Earl: Ralph, what the hell you doing?!?
Ralph: Hey I knew you’d be mad buddy but I couldn’t cut you in. Winky Dinky only paid me 175 bucks this time and I couldn’t figure out how to evenly divide that between two people.

Catalina: You' re never going to make $10 000 dollars selling rubberbands, unless you have some syringes and arm candy to go with em.

Ralph: How about this; I cut off my pinky toe and put it in a winky dinky hot dog then we'll get $10,000 to replace Pop's Hot Dog cart?

Randy: I don't like to complain about free food but this hotdog taste like zoo.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Stole P's Hd Cart

Monkeys In Space

Earl: Perky, perky, hands off jerky!

Earl: One time me and Hank polished off four bottles of cherry mad dog and swore to each other that if one of us ever got put away for hard time, the other one would break him out. I hope he doesn't remember that.

Randy: Here's a good one. Make your own hours, no experience necessary.
Earl: No experience? You got a lot of that.

Randy: Can I have a quarter?
Joy: Now, I know you're begging ass, did not just ask me for a quarter?

Randy: It's not fun being blind. Why is Steven Wonder always smiling?

Earl: A purpose is a great thing to have. It gives you a reason to wake up every morning.
Randy: So, a purpose is like a box of powdered donut holes?
Earl: Exactly.

Earl: They’re sending him to state prison for 20 years.
Joy: Long stretch. But at least he’ll be able to spend some quality time with his daddy.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Monkeys In Space

Something To Live For

Earl: Hey Crabman, need a few beers.
Darnell: Sorry, boss said I can't serve you til you fix that pipe in the bathroom, it sprays people when they flush. Luckily, only a few people have flushed so far.

Randy: Tinkle? That's so stupid. I wonder what he calls going ploppies?

Philo: Hey, why don't you guys come in and watch my old wrestling tapes from high school. I wasn't on the team or nothing but me and my sister had some really close matches.

Philo: I thought we were on a date.
Joy: It was a date, but not all dates are good ones, honey. Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie doin' a black man in the bathroom.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Something To Live For

The Professor

Randy: I'm pledging. That means all these guys are gonna be my brothers. But, it's not like I have to get them Christmas presents or anything but maybe we'll have a secret Santa. If we do I hope I get Steve, he's got lots of interests and we wear the same size.

Earl: I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch.

Earl: This wasn't the first lady that kicked me in the nuts and called me a rat. But, it was the first time I didn't mind.

Randy: These guys are so smart, Earl, they figured out how to put booze in food. 'Cept you can't eat too many or you pass out and they write "balls" on you forehead in permanent marker.

Alex: You'd be my knight in shining armour if you came with me.
Earl: You want me to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could do that. Yeah, I could be your knight. I'd have to bring my sword. I didn't mean that dirty.

Randy: I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.
Earl: It tastes the same.
Randy: Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it goes to your livers.

Earl: And usually the Air Force would shoot you for doing that, but they figured I was too drunk to remember what I saw. But as we all know now - they were wrong.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: The Professor

Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Season 1, Episodes 9-16

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16