My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl Quotes

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Didn't Pay Taxes

Randy: (looking at an old paycheck) How long are these things good for? There's no explanation date on it.

Joy: Just last week I paid $20 for speeding in a school zone.
Randy: Hey, you paid 75 for that, Earl. How come you only paid 20?
Joy: Cause I brushed my license against his knobby when I handed it to him.

Randy: I don't know why people complain about this asbestos don't smell so bad.

Randy: We're gonna die in here, aren't we?
Earl: No...(long pause)...maybe...(long pause)...probably.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Didn't Pay Taxes

Dad's Car

Joy: Damnit, who keeps putting Mr. Turtle in the toilet?

Patty: Alright lets get this show on the road! I got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet!

Earl: So I was supposed to be named Carl?
Carl: Yep, after me. But on your birth certificateÖ Iíve always sucked at cursive so I put an extra loop on the C, so the C looked like an EÖ and here you are. Earl Hickey.

Carl: Youíre putting a 1970 carburettor in a 65?
Earl: Itíll fit.
Carl: Sure itíll fit. That size 4 dress will fit your mother, but I wouldnít take her out in it.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Dad's Car


Earl: Randy, I told you; No robot dogs. We can only afford the things we need to survive. Randy: But I already filled out the adoption papersÖ I named him biscuit!

Earl: Realizing we might be the only people left on Earth in the year zero freaked us out. What we didnít know was that there was a reason the streets were so empty. We were always so drunk from the night before, we were never awake to know there was a parade on New Years day.

Joy: You know what Iím gonna loot first? Iím gonna loot me a Humvee. Then Iím gonna take all the other stuff I loot, and put it in my Humvee. And if somebody tries to stop me? Iím gonna drive over them in my Humvee. And I also want a new pair of sandals.

Darnell: All the computers will go berserk and things like electricity, water, gas will be out. The banks will be out of money, stores will be out of food, all the high scores on video games will be reset.
Randy: Even centipede?

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Y2K


Randy: Look Earl! Heís got a trampoline! We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot, then we could use it to go up and down from our room without ever having to use the stairs.

Alvie: I was wonderingÖ whatís it like having a moustache? Earl: Let me give you one piece of advice, Albie. The second your body is ready: grow one.

Randy: I still canít believe you didnít call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favourite things; toy guns and paint.

Darnell: (getting a manicure from Joy) This feels weird.
Joy: Itís not weird. Itís metro-sexual. Pretty soon metro-sexualityís gonna hit Camden County and when all the men start turning into half fruits, Joyís Nails is gonna be ready.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Boogeyman

The Bounty Hunter

Earl: Me and Jessie had a good thing going. And it was all happening pretty fast, but not as fast as it happened later that night with Joy. In just seven hours I went from having a semi-serious three week girlfriend, to being the husband of a pregnant woman whose name I kept forgetting. I thought about calling Jessie to talk to her and tell her what I had done. But then I realised that Iíd have to talk to her and tell her what I had done.

Joy: Iím sorry for tricking you into marrying me while I was carrying another mans baby. And for having yet another mans baby and for leaving you while you were in the hospital andÖ other stuff.

Joy: I gotta go! Quick, give me the car-spoon!

Randy: If youíre getting locked up, you should save your cigarettes. Theyíre like money in jail and thatís the same for boy jail and girl jail.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: The Bounty Hunter

Stole A Badge

Joy: Hey! What the hell are you doing, towing a car with the American flag on it? Are you part Taliban?

Earl: And after we bowled, we enjoyed our favourite pastime; Stealing. Weíd discovered that when people bowl they stash their wallets and other cool stuff in their street shoes. The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet.

Earl: What kind of kid puts acorns in his shoes?
Randy: A squirrel kid might. Except a squirrel kid doesn't wear shoes.

Randy: Thatís a policemanís badge, Earl.
Joy: Shut up dummy, he knows what it is! (to Earl) What are you gonna do Earl? Thatís a policemanís badge.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Stole A Badge


Darnell: I canít believe thereís a hole behind this picture. Thatís a reliefÖ last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just windy.

Randy: Why'd you ever have a crush on her? She's a bitch. And not the good kind like that "Kiss My Grits" lady from the diner show. "Kiss My Grits." We should go to Arizona.

Darnell: You know, Joy, technically that licence is state property. Doesnít belong to either one of you.
Joy: Okay, DarnellÖ Youíre painting a turtle right now and Iím not taking legal advice from you or any other turtle painter.

Randy: He threw my favourite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
Earl: Randy, baloney isnít your favourite food, animal crackers are!
Randy: No, theyíre my favourite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: BB

Number One

Joy: After I finish art school, I might even go to Paris where all the good artists go so I can draw those quiet guys in the white faces with the rugby shirts who play charades.

Earl: Thanks Crab Man. Itís about time I did number one.
Darnell: Good luck with that. And I hope I scrubbed that bat disease out of that toilet. But if you start seeing with your ears and whatnotÖ get to a doctor.

Earl: Doing things on the list without money was starting to feel like surfing TV channels without a clicker. It can be done, but your legs will get awfully tired.

Randy: Iím starving Earl. Maybe we should go steal some food. You know I get angry when Iím hungry. Like the Hulk, only I donít get all green and muscly, I just get dizzy and snap at people that donít deserve it.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Number One

Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Season 1, Episodes 9-16

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16