My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl Quotes

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Very Bad Things

Joy: Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back?

Earl:Something about the combination of fumes and bright colors made Randy love to spray paint.

Earl: We're not selling a truck with a man in the back!

Joy: You sound like a gay Kermit the Frog.

Earl: We gotta get him to a hospital.
Joy: We'll get caught.
Earl: No we won't. We'll just drop him off and drive away like people do with babies and grandparents.

Joy: So what do you hate more, flies or mosquitos?
Earl: Why?
Joy: Just making conversation, damn nevermind.
Earl: Mosquitos.
Joy: You know they say mosquitos in Africa kill people. Can you imagine the size them things got to be?

Randy: It's perfect Earl.
Earl: Yeah it really is. I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in 6 foot letters on the side of a stolen truck.
Randy: I'm gonna go into town and get some more white paint to cover it up.
Earl: Good idea
Randy: If the cops come while I'm gone, tip it on it's side.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Very Bad Things

Jump For Joy

Earl: The Beverly Hillbillies?
Randy: They're super rich.
Earl: They're pretend Randy, just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump. They're just TV characters.
Randy: Well, The Jeffersons are real right? 'Cause we saw Mr. Jefferson at the boat show last year. Remember, we paid him a dollar to say "Weezie".

Joy: I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate is making wine.

Earl: If he was poor, we'd call him crazy, but since he's rich, we just call him Sir.

Darnell: Earl, thanks again for loaning us all this money.
Earl: No problem Crabman, besides what kind of man doesn't help his ex-wife to make bail.

Joy: Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here. Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do!

Earl: Look Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them. That's why that troop of "flat chested pygmy sluts" won't deliver girl scout cookies to ya anymore.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Jump For Joy

Sticks & Stones

Joy: I know what it's like to be prejudiced against, after all my husband's black.

Randy: Look at his hands Earl. They're like lobsters. But without the rubber bands to stop him from biting us with his hands.

Darnell: Baby, I love that spray on stocking stuff. It makes your legs look hot and gets my a little high.

Joy: I'm gonna need another lawyer. It's nothing personal, it's just that I don't want to be represented by someone who's ears are only good for holding up glasses.
Doug (The translater of Joy's deaf lawyer Ruby Whitlow): She said she is the lawyer that the court appointed you and if you don't like it you can represent yourself, you ignorant white trash whore.

Randy: If you make friends with anybody, make friends with the tall guy. I know where there's a frisbee stuck in a tree.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl from My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones

Larceny of a Kitty Cat

Earl: A black cat crosses your path once, bad luck. It crosses your path twice, really bad luck. But three times, well that's when karma's trying to tell you something.

Judy: (Sebastian's owner) Well he certainly has put on an extra few pounds. Huh, fatty, fatty, fat, fat. But Mommy won't be too critical, because critcal Mommies make for bulemic teenagers that become needy adults that drink a lot of red wine.

Joy: Earl buy me some chicken wings?
Earl: You can't buy your own chicken wings?
Joy: I'm facing my third stike and could spend the rest of my life in prison and you can't grant me 6 scrawny ass wings, celery sticks and blue cheese?
Earl:(to Crabman) Get her some wings.
Joy: And a pitcher of margaritas.

Darnell: Why do you still doing with that cat?
Earl: I've been trying to find a home for him but nobody wants a chumby cat who weezes after he takes a do.

Judy:Don't you want to take your shoes off and get comfortable?
Randy:My feet smell.
Judy: That's what feet are suppose to do, Silly. Why do you think God put them so far away from your nose?

Earl: You know, I bet there are a lot of girls out there that would like the real Randy.
Randy: All I need is one. One that hates cats, and birds, and pickles, dill pickles not the bread and butter kind. And Wednesdays, she's gotta hate Wednesday's too.

Earl: I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious!
Randy: Why? Every day of my life revolves around you believing in karma. Plus, we always buy the kind of cereal you like.

Randy: She liked me Earl. Even when I laughed so hard I ripped one, she laughed so hard she ripped one.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Larceny of a Kitty Cat

Van Hickey

Earl: And there she was. She wasn't young, but she was conscious. And besides, she made us Rice Crispy squares.

Ralph's Mom: I'm gonna take off this dress before I spill something on it. Besides, this tag is digging in my arm pit.

Earl: This marriage was better than my last marriage. My wife cooked and at least one of my sons was a blood relation.

Catalina: Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers. It is why my brother killed my father.

Ralph: Uh, yeah. Just for the record, your mom doesn't like the under your arms, around the side, booby scoop.
Earl: I don't know what to say to that.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Van Hickey

Made a Lady Think I was God

Earl: We got to Hendersonville late because Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane to see if it would lift the car off the ground. It didn't and we lost the directions.

Randy: Hey Darnell, do you ever tell your sister that you love her?
Darnell: I said it once when I thought she was dead. She was just past out from low blood sugar. I'm still glad I said it. Now they have her on insulin. Who knows when I'll get another chance.

Joy: At the risk of agreeing with the maid, she's got a point. I say we torch a sheep.

Randy: I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly.

Earl: I love you Randy.
Randy: I love you too Earl.
long uncomfortable pause
Earl: I gotta take a leak.
Randy: I'm gonna play with the radio.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Made A Lady Think I Was God

Mailbox

Randy: Earl says it's illegal to open somebody else's mail.
Joy: That's the good thing about have 3 strikes. You don't have to worry about stupid laws anymore.
Randy: I wish I had 3 strikes.
Joy: (smiling sweetly) You will someday.

Randy: When you do into the witness protection program, they let you pick your own name? Cause if I ever witness anything, I'm going to name myself "Crash Fishfight".
Darnell: Damn, that's a good one.

Randy: Hey Joy, can you help me?
Joy: The only thing that would help your worthless, never-achieve-anything-in-your-waste-of-a-breath life is if somebody drowned you in the river. (starts laughing) I'm just giving you a hard time sweetie. Whatcha need?

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Mailbox

Robbed A Stoner Blind

Joy: My deaf lawyer said that if I could pass a lie detector test saying I didn't steal that truck, it'll help my case. So I stole this old one from a swap-meat.

Earl: Look! Shampoo that's not tested on animals. I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair, but if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make.

Earl: You guys make your own wine? I tried to make Tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms. Pretty gross. It still got me drunk though.

Randy: Sure you don't want a radio or something? We got one back at the hotel that doesn't even take electricity. You put batteries in it.

Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Robbed A Stoner Blind

Season 1, Episodes 1-8

Season 1, Episodes 9-16

Season 1, Episodes 17-24

Season 2, Episodes 1-8

Season 2, Episodes 9-16