My Name Is Earl Quotes
Season 2, Episodes 1-8
Very Bad Things
Joy: Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back?
Earl:Something about the combination of fumes and bright colors made Randy love to spray paint.
Earl: We're not selling a truck with a man in the back!
Joy: You sound like a gay Kermit the Frog.
Earl: We gotta get him to a hospital.
Joy: So what do you hate more, flies or mosquitos?
Randy: It's perfect Earl.
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Very Bad Things
Jump For Joy
Earl: The Beverly Hillbillies?
Joy: I can't even use the toilet in my cell because my roommate is making wine.
Earl: If he was poor, we'd call him crazy, but since he's rich, we just call him Sir.
Darnell: Earl, thanks again for loaning us all this money.
Joy: Guys, I'm a flea's fart away from life in prison here. Someone needs to figure out what the hell we're gonna do!
Earl: Look Joy, people don't want to help you when you insult them. That's why that troop of "flat chested pygmy sluts" won't deliver girl scout cookies to ya anymore.
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Jump For Joy
Sticks & Stones
Joy: I know what it's like to be prejudiced against, after all my husband's black.
Randy: Look at his hands Earl. They're like lobsters. But without the rubber bands to stop him from biting us with his hands.
Darnell: Baby, I love that spray on stocking stuff. It makes your legs look hot and gets my a little high.
Joy: I'm gonna need another lawyer. It's nothing
personal, it's just that I don't want to be represented by someone
who's ears are only good for holding up glasses.
Randy: If you make friends with anybody, make friends with the tall guy. I know where there's a frisbee stuck in a tree.
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl from My Name Is Earl: Sticks & Stones
Larceny of a Kitty Cat
Earl: A black cat crosses your path once, bad luck. It crosses your path twice, really bad luck. But three times, well that's when karma's trying to tell you something.
Judy: (Sebastian's owner) Well he certainly has put on an extra few pounds. Huh, fatty, fatty, fat, fat. But Mommy won't be too critical, because critcal Mommies make for bulemic teenagers that become needy adults that drink a lot of red wine.
Joy: Earl buy me some chicken wings?
Darnell: Why do you still doing with that cat?
Judy:Don't you want to take your shoes off and get comfortable?
Earl: You know, I bet there are a lot of girls out there that
would like the real Randy.
Earl: I'm not gonna stand here forever just 'cause you're superstitious!
Randy: She liked me Earl. Even when I laughed so hard I ripped one, she laughed so hard she ripped one.
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Larceny of a Kitty Cat
Earl: And there she was. She wasn't young, but she was conscious. And besides, she made us Rice Crispy squares.
Ralph's Mom: I'm gonna take off this dress before I spill something on it. Besides, this tag is digging in my arm pit.
Earl: This marriage was better than my last marriage. My wife cooked and at least one of my sons was a blood relation.
Catalina: Men don't like it when other men sleep with their mothers. It is why my brother killed my father.
Ralph: Uh, yeah. Just for the record, your mom doesn't like the under your arms, around the side,
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Van Hickey
Made a Lady Think I was God
Earl: We got to Hendersonville late because Randy turned the directions into a paper airplane to see if it would lift the car off the ground. It didn't and we lost the directions.
Randy: Hey Darnell, do you ever tell your sister that you love her?
Joy: At the risk of agreeing with the maid, she's got a point. I say we torch a sheep.
Randy: I bet nuns are awesome basketball players, especially the ones who can fly.
Earl: I love you Randy.
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Made A Lady Think I Was God
Randy: Earl says it's illegal to open somebody else's mail.
Randy: When you do into the witness protection program, they let you pick your own name? Cause if I
ever witness anything, I'm going to name myself "Crash Fishfight".
Randy: Hey Joy, can you help me?
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Mailbox
Robbed A Stoner Blind
Joy: My deaf lawyer said that if I could pass a lie detector test saying I didn't steal that truck, it'll help my case. So I stole this old one from a swap-meat.
Earl: Look! Shampoo that's not tested on animals. I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair, but if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make.
Earl: You guys make your own wine? I tried to make Tequila once, but I didn't know what was in it besides worms. Pretty gross. It still got me drunk though.
Randy: Sure you don't want a radio or something? We got one back at the hotel that doesn't even take electricity. You put batteries in it.
Read the episode recap from My Name Is Earl: Robbed A Stoner Blind
Season 1, Episodes 1-8
Season 1, Episodes 9-16
Season 1, Episodes 17-24
Season 2, Episodes 1-8
Season 2, Episodes 9-16